After dark days, she found hope

...I had nothing to lose.

I went under the assumption that I’d learn how to fix my husband; then we’d be on our merry way to wedded bliss. I was surprised to learn that this program was for me. What was the point, if not to get him sober? Still I went, assuming that my husband would see what I was doing and join Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.).

I remember hearing one woman say that she was grateful for her alcoholic husband. What was wrong with her? I couldn’t possibly imagine ever being grateful for mine.

Now I not only understand, but I, too, am grateful for my alcoholic husband. Were it not for him and the horrible drinking years, I would not have the wonderful life and friends I have today. I have a much deeper relationship with God. I have grown so much because of the hardships I faced.

While in Al-Anon, I learned that my husband not only drank, but he was addicted to methamphetamines. I had no idea he was using. I tried to fix him and to micromanage his life. I would call around looking for him. Once, I found out he was at a motel, so I pulled my children out of bed and went to get him. We couldn’t find him, so we drove back home in tears.

I would lie awake in bed at night with my stomach in knots and cry myself to sleep wondering why God would let something like this happen to me. I didn’t deserve this. What good could possibly come from this?

One night I was talking to my Sponsor after an exceptionally bad fight with my husband. She said to me, “I think it’s time you turned your husband over to God and quit trying to make him change. He may never change.” That’s when I got down on my knees and asked God to take care of my husband. I detached with love; I finally “Let Go and Let God.”

I slept well that night; I didn’t wake up once with worry. I felt refreshed in the morning. It was a wonderful feeling.

Not long after that, things spiraled out of control. My husband came home after having been gone for a few days. The situation got out of hand, and I had to call the police. My children were frightened. I was forced to get a restraining order against him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Just days later, my husband went into an inpatient treatment program. I had to go on welfare and be a single mom for a time. It wasn’t something I’d ever imagined I’d do, but with Al-Anon I got through it. I had many friends to support me along the way.

It’s been more than three years now, and my husband is still sober and very active in his program. Life with sobriety is not the bed of roses I thought it would be, but it’s a whole lot better than what it was.

I am still working through my Steps, and I’m so thankful for my Al-Anon meetings and my Sponsor. If it weren’t for Al-Anon, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through that horrible time of my life.

By Robin S., Iowa
The Forum, July 2009

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