Making sense of my life—after living with an alcoholic spouse

I saw my mom standing with her arm in the fridge, pouring herself a drink. She was trying to hide what she was pouring. I didn’t understand why. I was about seven years old—too young to know what alcohol was. It was the first time I remember thinking something was not quite right in my family.

Once she came into the room where my little brother and I were playing, and angrily dumped the contents of the toy box on the floor. Then she yelled, “Clean up this mess. It’s time for dinner!” My brother and I looked at each other silently. We knew that didn’t make sense. We were a little afraid.

She walked into her first A.A. meeting when I was eight. She has been sober since.

Fast forward to another relationship in my life—with a man who drank heavily and used drugs. I was in my thirties and in love with a man who was accomplished, successful, highly respected, kind, and gentle to me. He was also drunk nearly every night, which quickly progressed into a stumbling, blackout, help-him-to-bed kind of drunk.

Something was fundamentally wrong. I was becoming frustrated, angry, and depressed. I was unable to cope with my own daily challenges.

I was complaining about it to my mother, wanting her to commiserate, and tell me to leave him. I was exasperated when she said, “Go to an Al-Anon meeting.”

My first thought was: “Why bother?” I didn’t want to talk about his drinking, or hear other people complaining. What good would that do? It was not my problem anyway. He was the one who belonged in meetings.

Nevertheless, I went to a meeting, where I saw that the people I met did not spend time complaining about others, alcoholics or not. They listened compassionately when I shared just a bit.

The next meeting I opened up more, and had a good, unexpected, cry. I felt I was in a place where people understood. I even started to feel a little twinge of hope. I made it a point to check out different meetings, and found some that I really liked.

I’ve been in Al-Anon for a little over a year. After beginning to work the Twelve Steps, I have a relationship with a Sponsor that I would never have imagined. She knows my “take it to the grave secrets”—and loves me anyway. I trust her implicitly. I have a renewed relationship with my Higher Power.

My changed perspective has allowed me to recognize that I have choices. I am no longer frustrated. I am no longer trying to get someone else to get into A.A.

I have learned that my path is my business, and others’ paths are their business—and that we are all right where we are supposed to be. What a gift—to start living free of guilt, to be honest with myself and others, to learn what it means to “be gentle with myself”—and to sleep better at night.

It’s a freedom I never knew—to be able to focus on my life and to let the rest go. I am forever grateful to Al-Anon, I feel like I have been given my life back.

Today feels good and I am excited about the future. If it’s this much better after one year, how great will it be after more?

By Anonymous, Colorado
The Forum, August 2009

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