How I let go of my pattern of unhealthy relationships

I have a sweetheart—but he’s not my type. And it couldn’t have happened without applying the principles of this program.

I met him when I decided to date casually for the first time in my life. I had been a serial monogamist. I had always chosen to reject or fall in love on the first date, and then date exclusively until “he” ruined it. Then I would move on to the next hostage.

This time, I went out with several men. I agreed to go out with anyone who didn’t seem to be an ax murderer. Some were too short or too blond; not thin or muscular enough; or not funny or exciting enough.

As I got to know them, I learned what was important to me—and what wasn’t. I learned that I liked to dance and didn’t like sarcasm. I learned that integrity and spirituality were more important to me than biceps and green eyes.

One fellow was simply not my type, but I liked how well he treated me. It was a new feeling. He opened doors for me and gave me courtesy and respect—but he was simply not my type. I told him this was not going to work. There was no spark, no excitement.

I steeled myself, but he was persistent. I found myself getting awfully confused when I tried to explain why we could only be friends.

What I didn’t expect was that I missed him! I talked to my Sponsor and Al-Anon friends, and I learned from them that the racing of my heart was just a symptom of heart trouble—not love.

I did the Steps one more time—this time focusing on what I really wanted and needed. I explored the fears of re-living my parents’ relationship: the nice but ineffectual alcoholic father and the competent, controlling—and cold—mother.

I looked at the hurt and rejection of being single at middle age and realized it was largely my choice. I looked at my part in failed relationships, and I asked my friend if we could try again.

I enjoyed his company and started to feel deeper feelings, but I still had a lot of fears. I talked to people in the program who were managing to have successful romantic relationships. I wrote in my journal a lot, and I gave myself permission to simply enjoy myself.

We prayed together, laughed together, and talked honestly. He amazed me with his sincere compliments and our common interests. I started seeing walls go down; I replaced them with gentle, fluid boundaries. But I still felt a fear that I couldn’t shake or identify precisely.

Then one day, he said grace before a meal, as is our custom. He asked God to bless me, and he thanked God for me…. I remembered the cold war that had been my parents’ relationship, as well as my relationship with others before meeting this kind, considerate man.

I thought to myself, “This is going to turn into the hell that I’m used to, like it always does.” I’d thought it before, but this time I heard it.

I identified my persistent fear: I was always “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” My core belief was that nothing good will ever last, and everything that’s bad will never change. Today I know these beliefs are fears—not the truth.

Simply being able to identify this fear as having no basis in truth gave me so much relief and joy. I don’t know if this relationship is going to last forever, but I don’t know for sure that it won’t last. I don’t know if it’s what I have been looking for, but I don’t yet know that it isn’t what I’m seeking.

Fear still enters my life and my relationships. But I keep remembering that expectations of bad things can cripple me. I am learning to stay in today and enjoy the good. I am learning to do the footwork today and trust God for the outcome.

I am learning to fight fear by going to meetings, reading CAL, working the Steps, and by sharing my fears with my Sponsor.

My Sponsor tells me not to sabotage this relationship. She points out to me the realities that I forget when I go into fear. She reminds me that I am deserving of what I have in this relationship. I don’t have to say “no” to love by saying “yes” to fear.

By Claudia M., Arizona
The Forum, April 2009

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