Learning to understand my emotions changed my life

At 22, I stood in the kitchenette of a rental unit, about 500 miles from the neighborhood where I grew up. It was evening. My thoughts were racing, and I wanted to cut my wrists with the kitchen knife.

At that moment, it had been nine years since I had had a relationship with my biological father, the alcoholic, and I rarely heard from my stepfather. My boyfriend had just relocated to Romania for his job. I was left confused, stunned, and numb. I didn’t understand why yet another relationship hadn’t worked out.

I felt like a failure. I was living with a housemate at the time, but she was away. I felt the darkness close in on me, and I finally picked up the phone to call for help.

I’d felt depressed and anxious most of my life. I experienced rage, isolation, guilt, and shame as a child and as an adult. I believed no one cared about me. I often cried by myself and felt ashamed of my intense feelings. I didn’t understand why no one talked to each other in my family.

I felt responsible for other people’s feelings and I didn’t know why. Slowly, I withdrew until the moment arrived to make that phone call.

Within a short time, I began to attend a local Al-Anon beginner’s meeting. The people there were supportive, understanding, and caring. A kind friend at that meeting said to me, “Let me be your temporary Sponsor.”

My situation seemed so desperate that I willingly met with her and began to talk about the Steps with her. This followed many sessions with psychiatrists.

At the suggestion of my Sponsor, I began to spend my Saturday mornings at a different Al-Anon meeting. I learned that I was an adult child of an alcoholic. I received a sense of belonging, gained a better understanding of my past, and acquired tools to help me improve my ability to relate to myself and others.

At 26, I am no longer completely estranged from my family members. With the help of the program, I developed goals, values, communication skills, and a spiritual life. I want to live. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts.

Today, I attend weekly Al-Anon meetings, read literature, pray, meditate, and call my Sponsor. Thank you, Al-Anon, for giving me back my life.

By Marga K., California
The Forum, November 2008

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