Unraveling the effects of my father's alcoholism

Why do I need Al-Anon? My father is the one with the drinking problem.

My father was an alcoholic before he married my mother. He continues to drink to this day. When I was seven, my mother started going to Al-Anon meetings. After a few years, she stopped going.

By the time I was 14, my parents divorced. My father’s alcoholism was, as always, hidden in plain sight. Like the ever-present hum of a refrigerator, it just faded into the background of my life.

To this day, my father rarely drinks large amounts in one sitting. Nevertheless, he almost always has a beer in his hand from the time he wakes up to the time he falls asleep. He’s so nonchalant about it; it’s just not easy to see that anything is wrong.

Like my father’s alcoholism, my disease is so elusive and well-camouflaged as to be almost impossible to identify. These are diseases of denial.

Living with an alcoholic means being exposed to a great deal of self-pity, self-righteousness, shame, and blame. Although my father was never physically abusive, he would often yell and use guilt to manipulate us. He would drop subtle hints that would explode like time bombs, sometimes weeks later.

I developed an underlying paranoia. I continue to struggle with paranoia, never really sure if people are talking about me. I have a lingering fear that the sky could fall at any moment.

I had to develop alcoholism and addiction myself, go through three relationships with women who were also addicts and alcoholics, and then find myself in several Twelve Step programs before I realized that part of my problem is rooted in the effect that my father’s alcoholism had on me. It is now my conviction that alcoholism is indeed a family disease.

One of my worst symptoms is perfectionism. I just can’t ever be good enough. Most of the time, my perfectionism is an attempt to compensate. If I put on a good show, no one will ever know that I’m such a wreck. It’s like getting a new paint job for a car that has been crushed like an accordion.

I have learned to accept myself. There are times when I wouldn’t rather be anyone but myself, but I also have moments when my feelings of inadequacy are overwhelming.

At times like these, I can be vicious. I just try to relax my body. I take a deep breath, hold it, and then slowly let it go. I have to think about all I have to be thankful for and everything I like about others.

In Al-Anon, I’m learning to face my feelings. Even though feelings aren’t always facts, my emotions are valuable, helpful, and even necessary though they aren’t always pleasant. It takes time and work to understand what they are, where they come from, and how to cope with them.

Recovery isn’t easy. But continuing to live in denial isn’t any easier. “One Day at a Time,” and sometimes one moment at a time, I gradually learn to find greater serenity, self esteem, and healthier relationships.

By Jack C., Virginia
The Forum, December 2008

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