Recognizing My Powerlessness Released Me From My Anguish

Two weeks before my 60th birthday, I made an appointment to see our family doctor. I'd been worried about the general state of my husband’s health. He was just not thriving—all he did was sit in front of the TV. As I thought back, he hadn’t been himself since the time of his retirement three years before. I told my husband I was going to see our doctor and I expressed my concern about his general state of health.

When I arrived, the doctor said straight out, “It’s not yourself you have come to me about, it’s your husband.” I replied, “Yes, he just isn’t thriving and I’m worried about him.”

“Your husband is an alcoholic and if he doesn’t stop drinking, he could die.”

I must have gone white. I know I was quite speechless. The doctor looked at me and said, “You are going to need some support.” He then fumbled around in the bottom drawer of his desk looking for something. “Get in touch with Al-Anon,” he instructed me.

I’d never heard of Al-Anon and I had to ask him how to spell it.

On my way home in the car, I kept telling myself to concentrate on the road and I managed to hold myself together until I got home.

My husband asked me what the doctor had said. I sat down opposite him and repeated word for word what the doctor had said. Then I started to cry and I cried for the next 36 hours.

When my crying abated enough for me to use the telephone, I phoned the Al-Anon General Service Office and cried while telling my story.

I heard a calm voice say that she would send me a meeting list and some pamphlets. She said I should get myself to a meeting and that I would find help there.

Almost immediately, I received the meeting list and a wonderful pamphlet called, So You Love an Alcoholic.

This pamphlet was exactly what I needed. It told me very clearly what I should not do with regards to the alcoholic. I credit that pamphlet for me not spoiling my relationship with my husband. I could have so easily behaved like a loose cannon through the grief and emotional pain I was experiencing at the time.

I arrived at my first meeting desperate. I thought my husband was going to die and I had so little time. I needed to quickly get him right. I knew alcoholism was a disease, but that was all the information I had. I did recognize that my state of mind was filled with despair. One member gave me a little card with the Serenity Prayer printed on it, which I kept in my pocket like a lucky charm.

Soon I recognized intellectually that I was powerless over my husband. From time to time I would see our doctor about myself and he would inquire about how my husband was doing. The doctor would reaffirm that all I could do for my husband was to be supportive and encouraging.

It took me a long time before I recognized that my support and encouragement was disguised as control. Eventually I was able to “Let Go and Let God.” I started to leave the state I had been in for years and years and turn my attention to myself and the conundrum of my lifetime denial.

It is my firm belief that working the programme saved me from a complete breakdown as my husband entered the last phase of the disease and started to suffer periods of irrationality and attempted suicide a couple of times.

My husband would be hospitalized for a day or two and then released back into my care. Eventually, I had to leave the marital home as his behaviour became more erratic and hostile. Three years and two months after my first contact with Al-Anon, my husband died.

I was no longer the same person, a process of change my Higher Power started during my first meeting. I now have the spiritual life I’d always wanted. Like so many people deeply affected by alcoholism, I was in a state of anguish and immobility. Now three years after my husband’s death, I have a life of my own, I have spread my wings, and I have found the courage to try many things that I would never have done before.

I am deeply committed to Al-Anon. It saved me from my own folly and gave me a life better than ever. I have the hope of even greater spiritual riches as I work the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. I know my Higher Power will never abandon me.

By Joan P., New Zealand
The Forum, June 2007

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