Setting Boundaries: Serenity while living with active alcoholism

Long ago I'd given up on the notion that my husband would stop drinking and we would live our golden years walking hand-in-hand down the broad road of recovery. I couldn't even label my husband an alcoholic. I just knew I had a problem with his drinking and needed Al-Anon for my own serenity.

Several people in the program commented by saying I must have been praying for his sobriety for the last 15 years.

"Not really," I told them, "the Eleventh Step suggests I pray only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out. I gave my husband to his Higher Power long ago."

That's one of the reasons I've been able to stay married to what I call "a problem drinker" for almost 32 years. Another reason is that the situation never became so bad that I felt I needed to leave.

And, my Higher Power kept telling me to stay.

Every time I set a boundary with my husband, he didn't cross it. His behavior improved over the years along with mine.

That is, until the time he drove drunk after agreeing a year earlier that he’d stop drinking and driving.

It took me a few days, but I decided I could no longer be entangled legally with a man who was bound to kill someone, or at least ruin us financially. I was no longer willing to go down with what I perceived as a sinking ship.

My Higher Power made it clear that it was time for me to go—I'd learned all I could learn living with active drinking.

Our oldest daughter's announcement that we were going to be grandparents made my decision difficult. However, despite this good news, I still believed my dream about our golden years—which I'd let go of years earlier—would never come true.

I hadn't wasted my life, though, because I'd found serenity, thanks to Al-Anon. Little did I know that taking just one baby step toward moving out—carrying my little TV to the guest room and informing my husband I'd be sleeping in there—would be the only step I'd need to take.

My husband apologized to me, but I told him it wasn’t that simple. He had a problem and I couldn’t live with it anymore.

That night, while I slept serenely with my dog by my side, my husband searched the Internet for ways to beat a DUI should he ever get caught. He wasn’t trying to save our marriage, just his own hide.

Miraculously, his search took him to the A.A. Web site where he downloaded the book Alcoholics Anonymous, read through it, and decided, with his Higher Power’s help, that he was indeed an alcoholic. He went to two meetings the next day.

Even though he'd never been arrested, lost his job, or lost his family, he'd hit his personal bottom. He knew he couldn't control his drinking.

I went with him to an open A.A. meeting. I remember sitting in disbelief when my husband said, "I'm an alcoholic." That was when I started to believe for myself that "changed attitudes can aid recovery."

Indeed, going to Al-Anon meetings, getting a Sponsor, working the Steps, and doing service work are the actions that continue to change my attitude. Al-Anon and my Higher Power have kept our marriage together. And now, in this new adventure, it's A.A. and Al-Anon, God-willing, that will keep our marriage together.

Suddenly, even with the ups and downs of new sobriety, that broad road of recovery doesn't seem like a dream anymore. It's quickly becoming my reality—one meeting, one step at a time.

By Dianne L., Colorado
The Forum, February 2007

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